Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
