i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
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He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
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He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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