I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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