Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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