shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
