I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
