just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
