Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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