I just pynch a tree in the face
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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