So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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