last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
