My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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