I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
