The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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