i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
