Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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