Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
