My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
