so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
