now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
