The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I can't turn off my feet"
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Randomize
