The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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