You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
