mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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