Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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