My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
