Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
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