Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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