best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
