i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
