You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
