I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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