i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
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