just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
