if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
