I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
