They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
