Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Randomize
