chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
