I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
