you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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