I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
