My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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