Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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