Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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