dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
