Your face is a jimmy john
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I would fuck him just for his dog
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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