Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
