you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
