No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
