twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
