btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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