Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
