Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
