how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
