man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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