So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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