Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
